Do you ever feel invisible? Or find yourself worrying if a friend ignores your messages, but still has the time to update his WeChat Moments?
你是不是有時覺得自己的存在感為零？給人發消息遲遲收不到回復，卻看他忽然發了條朋友圈，此時的你內心是否還能毫無波動？
Do you get heart palpitations when your phone suddenly goes berserk the instant you step off a plane? What about if all those messages are “@” mentions from every group chat in your phone?
剛下飛機就收到一堆消息，還被每個群的人@了遍，你是不是感到頭暈心悸？
Do you feel on tenterhooks when the working day is done, but no one else wants to be the first to leave?
明明到了下班時間，卻因為沒人先走不敢起身，你是否覺得如坐針氈？
If you answered “yes” to any of the above, then you just might have a modern social phobia.
如果對於上述任何問題你的回答是肯定的，那麼恭喜你，你疑似患有現代社交恐懼症。
Professional psychiatrists have identified many different kinds of “phobia”, from acrophobia, or a fear of heights, to agoraphobia, or a fear of public spaces. These are often linked to genetic and psychological factors.
精神病學上也有諸多恐懼症概念，譬如恐高症、廣場恐懼症云云；這些恐懼症一般與遺傳或心理因素相關。
Now we can’t claim to be psychiatrists, but I have drawn up a (very unscientific) list of 10 phobias that we’ve identified in everyday modern life.
雖然不敢自詡精神病學家，CD君假裝專業地整理了當代生活里的10種恐懼症。
When your messages to someone have been ignored, but then you find out that he or she “liked” someone else’s WeChat Moments — curse your perceptiveness!
對方不回你的消息，卻在別人朋友圈下點贊。你第一次如此厭惡自己敏銳的觀察力。
Salt in the wound: Even if you send red packets in the group chat, nobody answers.
最扎心時刻：在群里發紅包都沒有人領。
Treatment: Take a screenshot of the “like” you spotted and send it to the one who’s ignoring you.
治療方法：截圖他點贊的朋友圈，發給他並厲聲質問。
Truth: Deep down, you know you’re just not that special to them.
真相時刻：你根本沒什麼特別的，別告訴我你不知道。
After what seems like an age poring over the words and pictures in your latest social media post, you finally summon up the courage to press “send”. The minutes tick by, but it doesn’t receive any likes. All the while you feel like you’ve been punched in the gut or shot through by a thousand arrows at once.
字斟句酌瘦臉磨皮拉腿美白後鼓足勇氣發了條朋友圈。一分鐘後發現居然零贊，瞬間感受到了世界「南蠻入侵」「萬箭齊發」「諸葛連弩加八個黑殺」般的暴力連擊。
Salt in the wound: A similar post by a friend or co-worker received hundreds of likes from your mutual friends, while you get none.
最扎心時刻：和朋友或同事發佈相同內容的朋友圈，自己零贊，別人爆贊。
Treatment: Give yourself a like, you deserve it.
治療方法：給自己點贊，你值得擁有。
Truth: Maybe you’re just being a drama queen.
真相時刻：你以為沒有人看穿你的戲精本質？
After a quick shower, you find you’ve got 18 unread messages on WeChat as well as five “@” mentions in your group chats. You become so anxious that you’d rather call an ambulance than wade through all these posts.
只是沖了個澡，回來打開微信居然跳出了18條未讀消息，還有5個群里有人@了你。你開始緊張，胸悶，發抖，遲遲不敢打開消息框，只想撥打120。
Salt in the wound: You’re mentioned in a group chat even though the message wasn’t meant for you.
最扎心時刻：就算和你沒關係也要把你@出來。
Treatment: Change your group alias eight times and profile picture ten times daily.
治療方法：每天更改8次群昵稱，換10次頭像。
Truth: Aren’t you aware of how much work you’ve left undone?
真相時刻：你有多少工作沒做完，自己心裏沒數么？
A chance encounter with a new co-worker makes your blood freeze. You try to flash a reluctant smile, but it looks more like a grimace because you feel like bursting into tears.
剛來公司不久，在洗手間偶遇上廁所的新同事，你頭皮發麻、心頭一緊，結果只擠出了一個比哭還難看的笑容，但這的確是你內心的真實寫照。
Salt in the wound: When the co-worker greets you with a warm: “Oh hey! It’s, umm… you!”
最扎心時刻：同事對你熱情地打招呼：「誒這不是……呃……同事嗎？」
Treatment: Closely study gossip magazines to learn how to imitate celebrities’ fake smiles.
治療方法：潛心研究時尚雜誌，認真模仿明星假笑。
Truth: Your co-worker is probably as embarrassed as you are, especially if he or she can’t remember your name!
真相時刻：對方也許根本不記得你，人家也很尷尬的好不好。
POST-DELETED-O-PHOBIA
You want to read a popular WeChat article, but it’s been deleted before you can. Suddenly, feelings of abandonment, missing out and self-hatred hit you like a ton of bricks.
點進一篇被轉瘋了的文章，發現已被刪除，頓生一種「被世界遺棄」+「好像錯過很了不起的東西」+「為什麼手慢的總是我」型被迫害妄想症。
Salt in the wound: Halfway through reading the article, you leave to answer a WeChat message. When you come back, it’s been deleted.
最扎心時刻：讀到一半去回了個微信，再回來發現文章已被刪。
Treatment: Share the article on your WeChat Moments straight away and just pretend that you’ve read it.
治療方法：直接轉發，裝作已讀。
Truth: You don’t care whether the article is interesting or not anyway.
真相時刻：反正你也不在乎文章寫的有沒有意思。
Although the actual conversation ended long ago, you keep exchanging emojis with your co-worker for fear of offending them with your lack of a response. First a smiley face, then a laughing face, then a happy face, which leads to a hilarious GIF…
明明已經結束了對話，但感覺晾着同事的微信不回就是道德淪喪禽獸不如，於是你回了個笑臉，收到回復後又發了個嘻嘻，然後又做了個嗨森表情，接着又扔了個鬼畜GIF……
Salt in the wound: You respond one last time, only to find your message has been rejected by the other person.
最扎心時刻：等你準備再次回復時，發現對方已開啟朋友驗證。
Treatment: Collect as many GIFs as possible.
治療方法：收藏一噸表情包。
Truth: By this point in the back-and-forth, are either of you really having a good time?
真相時刻：你們真的覺得這樣打太極很開心？
Just as straight-A students often hate giving study advice, businessmen don’t like talking about how they make money and programmers are reluctant to help repair computers, you are afraid of becoming a mentor. What if you offer the wrong guidance? Or worse, can’t answer your pupil’s questions? It could completely destroy your reputation!
就像學霸怕被問如何學習，商人怕被問如何賺錢，程序員怕被請去修電腦，你害怕做人生導師的原因，可能只是怕沒能給出最好的方法，或者無法解答對方的疑惑，從而導致自己人設崩塌。
Salt in the wound: As the so-called mentor, you don’t know how to solve your own problems.
最扎心時刻：「人生導師」自己的人生出了問題卻無人可問。
Treatment: Read self-help literature to learn what it takes to become a great mentor.
治療方法：研讀成功學書籍，練就過硬心理素質。
Truth: People’s impressions of you are never as good as you think. Relax, you’re going to be fine!
真相時刻：你以為人人都覺得你是個小可愛嗎？你想太多了，輕鬆點。
You should never be the first one to leave, right? If you’re at the office, it marks you out as a bad worker, while if you’re at a party it’s just plain rude. So, stuck between a rock and a hard place, you end up playing the game of “you move, I move”.
別做最先離開辦公室的人，K歌時永遠別第一個喊着要回家。在「先走的就不是好員工，先撤的就不是好朋友」的幼稚心態的支配下，每個人都玩起了「你不動，我也不敢動」的木頭人遊戲。
Salt in the wound: You’ve been in the KTV for hours and by now everyone’s throat is sore, but no one wants to make a move. There’s nothing else for it — it’s time to put on Taylor Swift’s Look What You Made Me Do.
最扎心時刻：KTV局已唱到喉嚨沙啞，但因為沒人先走，只好又點了一首霉霉的Look What You Made Me Do。
Treatment: Always be the last to leave. Even if it means never actually leaving.
治療方法：永遠最後一個離開。（這還叫離開？）
Truth: The longer you stay, the more it will influence those around you to stay longer. Be the change you want to see in the world.
真相時刻：你呆的時間越久，別人撐的時間更久。要改變世界就先改變自己啊。
You’re on a plane. Your phone is switched off. Finally, some peace and quiet! But in the back of your mind, you know that as soon as the wheels touch the ground the messages will come flooding in again like a rapid-fire machine gun.
飛機上你享受的清凈，必將在飛機降落、取消飛行模式後，加倍償還給你。蹭蹭往上躥的未讀信息數，彷彿機關槍把你掃射得千瘡百孔。
Salt in the wound: You’ve just landed at your destination on the first day of your annual leave when your phone suddenly starts buzzing with some work-related query.
最扎心時刻：剛在目的地降落，準備休年假的第一天，工作的信息卻沒消停過。
Treatment: Demand Wi-Fi on all the flights you take so you can always keep in touch.
治療方法：要求各大航空公司儘快普及空中Wi-Fi。
Truth: A holiday away from work, in this day and age? Good luck!
真相時刻：斷網式假期？在21世紀？別天真了寶貝！
You’re getting ready to go out. You check you’ve got your keys, cellphone, wallet and mobile charger. Then you check again, just to make sure. As you’re leaving your apartment, you try the door a couple of times to ensure that it’s locked. Then you get in the elevator and descend to the first floor. But did you remember to switch off the TV? Time to get back in the elevator and go back home to check again.
出門第一步：鑰匙、手機、錢包、證件、充電寶……反覆確認一件不落；
第二步：用力推門數次確認門真的鎖好了；
第三步：走進電梯下到一樓；
第四部：進電梯回家再查一遍電視關了沒。
Salt in the wound: The elevator is broken.
最扎心時刻：電梯壞了。
Treatment: They say that walnuts are good for your brain, you know.
治療方法：多吃核桃能補腦。
Truth: It’s all a part of getting older.
真相時刻：你老了。
以上十大病症，你中招了嗎？
